Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Tim E. Fairley's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 21st, 2010
12:16 am	I'm Tim from the future. I'm hear to tell you that Tim will become a rich genius with his breakthrough invention of the super-bong. Therefore all of you should suck up to him now before he gets big, especially you ladies. (Comment on this)
12:16 am	I'm Tim from the future. I'm hear to tell you that Tim will become a rich genius with his breakthrough invention of the super-bong. Therefore all of you should suck up to him now before he gets big, especially you ladies. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 25th, 2006
12:13 am	I'm really serious this time I'm definitely losing my mind. I kinda like it though. It's very relaxing once you accept it. The only hard part is hiding it from other people. Sometimes I'll just sort of tweak out for like a few minutes, and then be completely normal right after. It's an amazing release when you just turn off your mind for a little while and then let your body just kind of spazz. Screaming is also very therapeutic. Maybe I'm not the insane one. In fact I think everyone needs a good freak out in order to stay in touch with the absurdity of existence. I can't get anything done though. Too much thinking, not enough doing. The acting is great though. I don't really have to try when I act. It's another one of those times when I can sort of turn off my mind and release whatever subconscious thoughts that the words bring about. I'm dying. I get chest pains, and can't breath like I used to. I think I'm gonna quit cigareettes, but that's just gonna make me more crazy. Or will it? On another note, I think I'm in love again, but that's kinda making me crazy too. Well she's a little crazy, but I think that's partly why I like her so much. But she's crazy in a very different way from me, so together we're just a mess, but I think we kinda balance each other out, and we just have so much fun. She's a freshman, but she's very mature, and if I might say rather experienced, from what I can tell, maybe even more than me. Since she's a freshman though she is very open to new ideas and is very excited to learn anything. There is just so much I want to show her and tell her, and she is just as eager to listen and learn. I really haven't enjoyed spending time with anyone as much as I enjoy my time with her. Last week was so amazing and nothing could bring me down, because if it did, talking with her just made every problem disappear. But of course as you may have guessed there are problems which have been eating away at me. The first problem is that I think my buddy has feelings for her. See I met her through my buddy in the fraternity because they know each other from a camp a long time ago and are really good friends, so she would always be hanging out with us in his room, and I thought she was really cool and we got along real well. I never really expected anything to happen with her because of the fact that I would usually only hang out with both of them. I think the only reason we hooked up on the night that we did was because he was gone for the night, and she came down with her rommate, and they pretty much just stayed with me the whole time. I honestly don't think I would have hooked up with her if he hadn't left. Now that's no big deal. Maybe, I felt that it would be a little awkward since they were such close friends, but it wouldn't have been a big deal. But then I found out the next morning that he had cheated on his girlfriend with her only a week or two before. And to top that he broke up with his girlfriend and some think it may have been because of her. I had no knowledge of this though, and if I had known that he had any feelings for her I never would have done anything. but now we really get along and I don't want this to end, but at the same time I can't keep it from him forever. The second problem has to do with the events on the night in question, which is a little hazy for me. I was really drunk and apparently she was pretty sober so she remembers a lot better than me. So on that noght she came down to the house with her roommate who I have to say is pretty hot. Both of them were pretty much sticking by me the whole night, and we were having a lot of fun. Her rommate was showing me a lot of attention because I guess she thinks I'm funny or something, and so we were flirting a lot, which I felt was very innocent. The main reason was that her rommate was telling me a lot of crazy stuff about her that really intrigued me, and her rommate was just generally giving me more attention than she was, though I can't really remember it all that well. THe hing is that her rommate has a boyfriend so I never really expected to hook up with her, in fact I remember thinking as we were going back to their suite that I would probably end up hooking up with the girl that I did end up hooking up with, but apparently according to her I kept "hitting on" her roommate when we got there. I think in my wild drunk imagination I though that some kind of wild drunken threesome would ensue. Part of the reason I had that idea in my head was because she told me about how they hooked up and sort of fooled around when they were on ecstasy. An idea like that does not leave a drunken mind easily. When her rommate brought her guy friend over (not her boyfriend) then I knew I would be hooking up with the other one, the one i had expected and honestly liked being around a lot more. But of course to her, the whole thing comes off as me settling for her when I couldn't get with her rommate, and that makes her feel shitty that she accepted me settling for her. Obviously I feel shitty about the whole thing even though I don't remember it all that well. The thing is that at first I did nt' think it was a big deal, and we kept hanging out and talked like everyday, and she didn't mention anything about what happened, even though I sort of knew how she must have felt about it, but I didn't want to bring it up. And then on the thursday of that week I was hanging out with her and her rommate, and she said something about me hitting on her rommate in front of both of us. Needless to say I felt really shitty because I thought I had something great going on with her and I honestly almost just went home after she said that. But then we went out for cigarette, and out of nowhere she invited me to stay the night. So it seemed like everything was alright, but I can tell it's still an issue for her, which might prevent anything more serious to come out of this. I really wish I could redo that night, because this girl is fucking amazing. She actually cares about me, and that's rare for me. She wants to talk to me and cares about what I have to say. This is new for me, and I want it to continue. I think I'm gonna let her read this so that maybe she can get a better idea of what's going on with me. She is the best thing in my life right now and I hope these issues aren't going to be too big of a deal. I think she knows how I feel, and from what I can tell she has similar feelings for me. Only time will tell. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: The Books (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
2:20 am	I'll believe in anything I'm starting to see where I'm taking myself and somehow I do see the beautiful light at the tunnel. I can still do everything I've always wanted to. For once in my life I'm starting to see that everything eventually comes together in the way that it was always supposed to. It still depends on me though. I will never accept this determinism bullshit. I'm in charge of my own life, and it is up to me to stay on the course that will take me where I belong. Free Will baby. I'm really fucked up. But I'm totally going running before class tomorrow. I've been real on and off recently.Thanks for listening nobody. Current Music: Wolf Parade - I'll believe in anything (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
12:55 am	Rant I'm so happy to be back, but I have this really weird sense of regret. Like I haven't had enough time to do everything that people are supposed to do in college. I haven't done enough exploring. I think the main problem is that I haven't been faithful to any group of friends. I that sounds weird but that's the only way to dscribe it. It's like I have all of these friends, and they're all always happy to see me and I enjoy their company, but they're all part of their own tight knit group of friends that I;m somehow not a part of. I feel like I'm constantly moving on from one group of friends to another, but I still stay friends with the same people. It's like because I belong everywhere, I really don't feel like I belong anywhere. I've spread myself thin throughout college and now I realise that I was never a part of any tight knit group of people in who have those bonding experiences that I've missed out on in college. I have been part of some tightly knit groups of peope, but they never last. I don't know why I'm bringing this up, because right now I am having the time of my life, and really love that I'm a senior and have made all these different friends throughout my time here, whom I keep runing into. I realised that I need to reconnect with a lot of people and start devoting my time to the friends that I really care about. In the meantime I still can't get enough of meeting new peopl because that 's just what I love doing. That's the problem, sometimes when you meet new people, you start paying less attention to the other people you have met. I do feel very lonely though despite all of my friends, because the other thing I have experienced in college is a serious relationship that I actually liked being in. I honestly don't care about sex anymore, and although I keep going to parties and trying to find drunk girls to hook up with, what I really want is a relationship. I have to face the real world soon, and I want a partnerthat will be there for me. I really just want a girlfriend that will inspire me and calm the chaos that is mybrain. She would sooth my anxiety and ignite the fires of creativity. She would have the voice of an angel, and the intelligence of adevil. She would wake up the sleeping giant that is my potential and set free rampaginf the countryside. She would always be by my side no matter what careless risk I take, or bout of insanity I should fall into. She would be the Gala to my Dali. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Wolf Parade (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
2:49 am	I feel like a complete and utter tool. I feel like the Emperor with his new clothes walking around stark naked, and no one bothers to tell me how ridiculous I look. Well, now you know everything about me. I always seem to write in this thing as if it were a personal journal and I just let out everything I'm feeling at the time, yet knowing full well that anyone could be reading this. I'm gonna go hide away in a dark hole or corner somewhere, so that's where I'll be if you wanna come find me. Not that anyone will. Current Mood: embarrassed Current Music: Elliot Smith (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 16th, 2006
4:53 pm	My roommates are retarded. They said the toilet was broken and wouldn't flush, but it's not clogged, so they called our landlords and left me at home waiting for someone to come fix it. However I couldn't hold it any longer, so checked out the toilet, and low and behold I fixed it in under two minutes with a plunger. I'm astounded when people can't figure out something as simple as a toilet. GOD Current Mood: relieved (2 Comments |Comment on this)
4:30 pm	Hey life, what the hell are you doing to me? I feel really sick right now. I've been sick for the past few days, but last night was the worst. I couldn't get to sleep because I was coughing so hard that I thought my eyes were going to pop out and plot would shoot from all of my orifices. I'm sorry that was so graphic, actually I'm not. At least I don't have classes or rehearsal today. My toilet is broken however, and I really, really, really need to use it. Where the fuck is that plumber!!! On another note, she made a bracelet for me, of course I did ask her to, but nonetheless I love the bracelet because it is the colors of the Irish flag. I made a mix for her, so I should feel really good that I sort of told her how I feel, but I don't. In some ways I feel worse, I feel like I'm making her life more complicated somehow and I feel bad. I don't want her to think that ya know I expect her to fall in love with me now, because I don't. That's not how it works, but I can't help feeling like she's going to read into it more than I intended. Oh well, I love my bracelet, and I really need to take a shit. FUCK! Current Mood: anxious Current Music: TV on the Radio (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
7:18 pm	I know I've said it before, but this time I'm pretty positive I wish I knew how to talk to her. she is the epitome of everything pure and beautiful in this world. When I'm in class with her I can't keep my eyes off her, because I don't want to miss a single moment of the eternal beauty that is her. I can't imagine anyone else that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with than her, and yet I can't so much as say more than one word to her. She's best friends with my roommate, she's been in my house and still I barely ever catch more than a glimpse of her. She's friends with my other friends, and yet when she comes over to talk to them I don't know what to do. There's so much I want to say to her, but all I seem to be able to say is, "What's up?" What is wrong with me? She's a nice girl, and friendly I'm sure, so what is so hard about it? Maybe it's cause I'm afraid of what she thinks of me. I'm afraid that my reputation precedes me, which happens often for me. People like to talk it seems. Who cares if I have a sketchy past though? I'm trying to change and she could be the first step for me, but it will never happen if I go on like this. I wonder if she knows how I feel about her. I wouldn't be surprised considering I've told everyone I know about the undying love I have for her. I gg right now. more to come. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
3:45 am	Correction I just need to say that there was one time in my life when I had sex that actually meant something, because I realise now that I did love her, but I hurt that poor girl worse than any girl has ever hurt me, and that is pretty bad. I only wish there was some way that I could make up for it and attone for my sins, but it doesn't seem possible. I wish she could read this, but that's not very likely. (Comment on this)
3:06 am	I never thought I'd return to this thing I've been sitting here for a while not doing my finals and for some reason doing a lot of reflection on my life, so I figured this would be a good forum. I doubt anyone's going to read this since I haven't actually posted on this thing for about three years and I don't really know why I've chosen to do this now. In a way I think I stayed away from this thing because I was sort of ashamed of the self that I portrayed here all those years ago, at least that's what I thought. I just spent the last hour re-reading all of my old posts, and I've realised that nothing has really changed for me, but I just don't really talk about it anymore. I've never posted my livejournal on facebook, or ever told anyone about it because I didn't want people to know how disturbed I am or was, but now I almnost want all of my friends to see this and to know the real me. I still have a lot of the problems that I used to talk about, though I'd like to think that they don't bother me anymore, but when I read those words from that hurt sixteen year old I realised that he's still inside me and I have to let him out. I still question the world and am constantly trying to understand myself, part of the reason why I'm a philosophy major. I've begun to understand my emotions a lot better though I still don't have a very good output for them, but that has helped me a lot in my acting. The main similarity I feel with that teenager is that I still feel very alone in this world regardless of the number of friends I have. That sixteen year-old was very heartbroken and never had sex. I've had sex, in fact I've had a lot of sex, but none of it has ever mattered. I came to college and decided to get drunk all the time and try to hook up with girls, but it never brought me happiness. I'm still heartbroken and looking for love, and I don't even care about sex anymore, I just want to matter in someone else's life. I guess I don't sound as disturbed as I used, and probably a lot less interesting, but I want to keep doing this, even if no one even knows I'm writing it. I still have very complex ideas and think I have a perfect understanding of the universe, but I've become more humble in my understanding. I hope someone out ther is reading this, and I hope you'll read more in the future. By the way feel free to read my old entries for a good laugh. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 18th, 2002
9:16 pm	her I love her. I love her. That is the only thing that comes out. I try to describe my feelings for her in some other way, but that is what comes out. I fell in love the second I saw her. I fall in love with her every time I see her. I fall in love with her every time I think about her. I didn't appreciate her at first. Our first year together she was always there helping me, her love beaming, my heart blind. Separated for two years. Separated from something so great opens the hearts eyes, love growing stronger. I spot her once, sitting in a car. I recognize her immediately and fall in love again. One chance encounter in two years of separation. Together again, and I fall in love once more. She tells me she "liked me once"... No more? I can only imagine. But then there is him. There is always him. He changes, but there is always him, keeping me from her. When there is no him I can't do it. I can't admit my love. I try to think of a creative adjective that could describe my love, but I can't. For there is none that can describe such love. She is that love that soldiers fight wars for, that musicians write songs for, that writers dedicate great literature to. I can never have her though. Some say " 'tis better to have love than lost than never to have loved at all." But I want to love her forever, I couldn't bear losing her. She is my true love, my one love. My love. My muse. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
9:17 pm	I can't even save myself I don't understand why I can't be like everyone else. Why simple things become a huge task but only psychologically. Logic fuels my brain, but humanity itself is not logical. People don't act logically. Logic fails in the world we live in. I always thought that logic was the next step in evolution, that in order to form a perfect society logic must rule, so I have always seen logic as perfection. That has been my main downfall in life. I always saw emotions as illogical. This world is illogical though, and I myself am very illogical a lot of the time, but I still see things in logical points of view, especially human contact. I always tell myself that I have somehow surpassed everyone with my intelligence and logic, then my insecure side smacks me in the face and shows me how much my life sucks. I can't deal with human contact or confrontation. I dread speaking to people in person or on the phone. Conversations are illogical, and they don't work if you try to make them logical. It has come to a point where I have to think about everything I have to say before I say it. I have full conversations in my mind. I am constantly talking to people in my mind. Sometimes I just want to fuck shit up because the world doesn't make sense. I just want to cause as much destruction as possible. I have dark fantasies about being a serial killer or rapist. I just can't take this world. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. I cannot save you. I can't even save myself. So just save yourself. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 20th, 2002
10:07 pm	celibacy Now technically I already am celibate but not by choice. But I've decided recently to be actively celibate. I'm not going to try to get with a girl or anything like that. In fact I'm going to try not to even think of girls in a sexual way but that will be a bit of a challenge. I've made this decision because I've realised that maybe it's not the girls that I try to have a relationship with but instead it's I who is sending the mixed signals and I who is hard to understand. I've decided that I need to understand myself better and understand my emotions better. I won't be able to understand girls until I can understand myself. All that I've accomplished recently is just caused myself more emotional anguish because of girls. Without girls in my life right now things will be a lot easier. For now I'm just going to try to be the best friend I can be to all of my female friends. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 19th, 2002
10:19 pm	Girls I hate girls. Girls are the most confusing, irrational, and illogical creatures on the face of the planet. They are the root of all of my emotional torment. It is impossible to understand girls. Their way of thinking and their way of communicating their emotions is completely different from that of men. Also, women are more different from each other than men are. Men are overall rather similar, but every girl is different. Girls can never make up their minds. They always need time to think things over. I give up. There's no point in trying anymore. I will never understand girls. What girls need to realise about guys is that they love it when the girl makes the first move. Guys are always making the first move and we hate it because we never know if the girl will want it because half the time they don't because they are expecting the guy to make the first move. When girls make the first move, however, they will get a positive response every time because for the guys, it is something special because they don't expect it. Yet for some reason girls still refuse to take this advice. I hate girls, yet somehow I can't get them out of my head (15 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 21st, 2002
9:57 pm	The Princess of Power I know not how I know not where For she came to me Like a breath of air A beautiful princess Who reigned supreme O'er the hearts of men Awake and in dreams She took my hand And stroked it sweet I asked her out she waited a beat She said "I don't know" She said she wasn't sure She liked me some But not enough for her She's afraid to commit She doesn't want to hurt But the pain I feel now Can be no worse To be lovers once But no longer Can make a friendship All that stronger To be friends always And lovers never Can make you wonder About that great endeavor Current Mood: rejected (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 26th, 2002
10:11 pm	A Haiku A life of troubles Though hard, humbles the spirit and cleanses the soul (Comment on this)
Monday, March 11th, 2002
9:47 pm	On the topic of madness Sometimes i feel like I'm slowly slipping away from the bounds of this earth. I can't understand how I'm supposed to function. When I'm alone I'm a different person than when I'm with people. I'm a different person depending on who I'm with. It's so hard to find that middle ground sometimes, and I forget who I am. Happiness is just a facade. No one can be happy all the time. I hope someone can see through it. I have so much built up aggression, but I've worked so hard to bottle it up. At times it comes out when I'm alone, I go into a fit of rage and then I start crying. Sometimes I just need to punch something. I've lost track of my main point I'm sorry. What I was trying to explain is that I can't find a good balance between all of my friends, and between my different moods. Recently I feel like I've been ignoring some of my friends and I'm sorry but sometimes I have trouble finding where I fit in. I'm afraid that some people just see me as this stoner and that's not who I am. Is weed the cause of my problem or an easy remedy? It should be neither. Recently I've had the wrong idea about weed. I've felt like I need it and that I should stop because I know it will get worse, but at the same time there's part of me that knows I can change my attitude about it and control myself. Weed is a great thing if you have the right idea about it. From now on I'm not going to try to get it. Sure sometimes I'll buy, but I won't do something just for the hope of getting stoned. I don't know what the fuck I've been saying in this entry. I've been having a major identity crisis recently. Friday night and Saturday night I somehow got really angry and I didn't know why. On saturday it was partly because of festival but I don't know. I don't understand anything anymore these days. I don't understand myself. Why can't I just be fucking normal. Why can't I find a girl that understands me. Or at least a girl that doesn't need to understand me and just likes me for who I am. Why can't I find a girl that I like enough. No girl seems to work out for me. What the fuck am I going on about. I've lost track of this entry. All in all I'm losing my mind and not in the good Drew way but in the can no longer function in an everyday society way. I'm going to school tomorrow. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I have so much work to catch up on. Oh well I guess I'll just listen to my music and fall into the ever terrifying world that is my dreams. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
12:04 am	Chill Out I've been really stressed recently because of the play and lots of work and it is overwhelming. I've decided that I just need to chill out. To be stressed out doesn't make sense, it doesn't help so why be stressed. The world is unbearable unless you take it lightly. This is what I always remind myself of whenever I get frustrated or angry. I realise why not just be happy? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 26th, 2002
12:13 am	Fuck I need to get my fucking shit together. My room is a mess. There is so much shit in it that I just don't need and it affects how I function. It seems like the state of my room reflects my state of mind and the point I am in my life. There is just so much shit I really should do, little things that I know I should do but never get around to doing them. I am so busy sometimes that when I have any time off, say the weekends or vacation, I just want to relax and have a good time so that it is always all those little things that fall by the wayside. And speaking of little things falling by the wayside, I lose everything. I have lost so much shit recently it really sucks. Sometimes things just fall out of my pockets because of my baggy pants or the way I sit, and other times I just put stuff in random places that I don't remember. Oh and by the way: Which Trainspotting Character Are You? (3 Comments |Comment on this)